And Now for something Completely different …

Praline (to camera) Hello. (He walks in followed by Superintendent Parrot and goes to desk) Mr Milton? You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company? Milton I am. Praline Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad.We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the Whizzo Quality Assortment. Milton Ah, yes. Praline (producing box of chocolate) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can 't prosecute you for that. Milton Agreed. Praline Next we have number four, 'Crunchy Frog '. Milton An, yes. Praline Am I right in thinking there 'sa real frog in here? Milton Yes. A little one. Praline What sort of frog? Milton A dead frog. Praline Is it cooked? Milton No. Praline What, a raw frog? [Superintendent Parrot looks increasingly queasy. ] Milton We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose. Praline That 's as may be, but it ' s still a frog! Milton What else? Praline Well don 't you even take the bones out? Milton If we took the bones out it wouldn 't be crunchy would it? Praline Superintendent Parrot ate one of those. Parrot Excuse me a moment. [Exits hurriedly] Praline Well, the Superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won 't expect there to be a frog in there. They 're bound to think it ' s some sort of mock frog. Milton (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind! Praline Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'crunchy frog ', and replace them with the legend, 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog ' if you want to avoid prosecution. Milton What about our sales? Praline I 'm not interested in your sales! I have to protect the general public! Now what about this one. (Superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn 't it? (Superintendent nods) Number five Ram 's Bladder Cup. (Exit superintendent) What sort of confection is this? Milton We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram 's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark ' s vomit. Praline Larks vomit? Milton Correct. Praline Well it don 't say nothing about that here. Milton Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate. Praline (looking) Wel I hardly think this is good enough. I think it 's be more appropriate if the box bore a great red label warning lark ' s vomit. Milton Our sales would plummet! Praline Well why don 't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary, like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavor, I ' m lead to understand. (Superintendent enters) I mean look at this one 'cockroach cluster ', (superintendent exits) anthrax ripple! What 's this one: ' spring surprise '? Milton Ah – now, that 's our speciality – covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks. Praline Well where 's the pleasure in that? If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don 't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station. Milton (getting up from the desk and being led away) It 'sa fair cop. Praline Stop talking to the camera. Milton I 'm sorry.