Farewell Europe… The British press will miss all of the ‘bonkers bureaucrats’ tales you’ve fed them over time

From cows sporting nappies to banning barmaids’ boobs, Brussels bureaucrats have been a wealthy supply of loopy tales for the UK media. Now that Britain has lastly left the EU, we replicate on a few of the maddest.

Adios! Au revoir! Auf wiedersehen, pet! That’s it. BoJo bought Brexit finished, and Britain has lastly pulled out. Apparently… (though it might be sensible to examine the small print on the commerce deal earlier than lighting that post-coital cigarette).

It’s a disgrace, although. The British press will now not have the ability to compete in a sport during which they’ve turn into really world class, ‘bash the bureaucrat’. 

In its 1990s heyday, Staff Britain – captained by a barely dodgy Day by day Telegraph correspondent in Brussels by the title of Boris Johnson – was akin to Pele’s Brazil or Maradona’s Argentina. That BoJo boy might go far.

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For individuals who don’t know this quaint English pastime, let me clarify. It goes a bit like this. 1000’s of EU officers on the continent spend months, years – their complete working lives, even – micro-focusing on something from condoms to noisy toys. Nothing is just too insignificant to intervene in. These pen pushers then excrete 1000’s of exceptionally boring phrases on the topic. 

Pity the poor British fishermen, for instance. They’ve lengthy felt bludgeoned by the heavy pens wielded by Brussels bureaucrats. These hard-grafting toilers upon the ocean have been caught in lots of a storm of EU directives; all the pieces from solutions they “should” carry no less than 200 condoms plus 620 medical objects onboard to calls for they put on hairnets and minimise “fishy smells.”

Oh, and their catch should then be offered by their Latin names. Melanogrammus aeglefinus and chips, anybody?

All within the title of EU ‘concord’, you perceive. 

The job of the EU’s military of bureaucrats, in the end, is to nudge member states – inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre – ever nearer in direction of their dream of a United States of Europe. A dream that only a few individuals – aside from these pen pushers – really wish to see.

A newspaper’s information desk and staff of reporters, alternatively, even have a job – and it’s much more enjoyable. They’ve to smell and snuffle out a narrative inside all this heavy, dusty crap. And generally they emerge with really great tales – if not precisely ‘true’ within the strictest sense of the phrase.

With Britain lastly leaving the EU, these tales will, regrettably, die a demise. So, to mark the event, right here’s a dozen of the very best ‘bonkers bureaucrat’ tales, and the way they register on mysouth.su’s very personal Fact-o-meter…

1: A ban on barmaids’ breasts

The EU needed to cease barmaids from displaying an excessive amount of cleavage as a result of it was a pores and skin most cancers threat once they went out into sunny beer gardens to ship pints (though the solar is an especially uncommon sight in Britain).

Fact-o-meter: 1/5

EU guidelines on optical radiation didn’t inform barmaids to not present an excessive amount of cleavage. It was really a requirement for bosses to evaluate the chance to pores and skin most cancers for workers who work within the solar all day.

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2: The Queen’s favorite canine to be banned

EU bureaucrats needed to outlaw corgis – the breed of canine beloved by Queen Elizabeth II – in addition to bulldogs and a few spaniels. 

Fact-o-meter: 1/5

A committee of animal safety specialists was certainly taking a look at canine breeds. But it surely wasn’t really something to do with the EU, and the UK didn’t turn into a signatory to the voluntary settlement designed to guard family pets.

three: A one-size-fits-all Euro condom

That gifted younger Brussels correspondent Boris Johnson bought this ball rolling. “Brussels bureaucrats have proven their legendary consideration to element by rejecting new specs for condom dimensions,” he wrote.

Fact-o-meter: 2/5

Measurement isn’t vital. It’s all about high quality not amount. An EU spokesman Willy Hélin stated later: “We had had requests from medical establishments throughout Europe to examine on the security of condoms. That has nothing to do with the dimensions of dicks. All of the journalists went on about evaluating the dimensions of penises in Germany and France. He (BoJo) was the paramount of exaggeration and distortion and lies. He was a clown – a profitable clown.”

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four: London’s iconic crimson double decker buses to be banned

New security guidelines would banish double decker buses from Britain’s streets as a result of they had been presumed to be much less secure.

Fact-o-meter: three/5

There have been strikes by numerous EU our bodies to enhance bus security and accessibility for disabled individuals, and double deckers had been regarded as  much less secure and fewer accessible. There have been no plans to ban double deckers, although, and the foundations solely utilized to new buses.

5: Hearth doorways should be fitted in the event you work at home

Self-employed individuals working from dwelling should rehang all doorways that aren’t hearth proof against adjust to EU office laws.

Fact-o-meter: 1/5

There wasn’t a lot to this one in any respect. Though there are infinite guidelines associated to well being and security at work, there was no directive specifying the becoming of fireside doorways.

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6: Cows to be compelled to put on nappies

An Alpine farmer coated up his cows’ hindquarters with nappies as a result of their cow pats had been too excessive in nitrates to satisfy EU fertilizer laws.

Fact-o-meter: 1/5

This one was, as a Day by day Mail headline aptly put it, ‘udder nonsense’. There is no such thing as a EU regulation requiring cows to be fitted with nappies. However there are, in fact, a number of guidelines on nitrates and fertiliser with regard to water air pollution.

7: Useless pets’ corpses must be stress cooked

Poor Polly the parrot, Fido the canine or Tiddles the cat couldn’t simply be buried within the backyard in a solemn household ceremony. Oh no. The corpse needed to be stress cooked at 130 levels Celsius for half an hour first to satisfy laws.

Fact-o-meter: 1/5

There was an animal waste directive for the correct disposal of ‘excessive threat’ materials equivalent to BSE contaminated cows that would unfold illness. However household pets didn’t depend.

eight: Youngsters’s roundabouts to have pace limits

Children’ playground roundabouts had been to be stopped from spinning quicker than 5 metres per second. Slides couldn’t be too steep, both.

Fact-o-meter: three/5

It wasn’t the EU however the European Committee for Standardisation, a non-EU physique made up of nationwide requirements teams, that set voluntary pointers for merchandise to enhance security. 

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9:  Farmers should give toys to pigs

British farmers needed to put toys in each pigsty to maintain pigs joyful, or they’d face three months in jail.

Fact-o-meter: 2/5

Underneath EU regulation, pigs needed to be given ‘manipulable materials’ – equivalent to straw, hay, and compost – to fulfil a behavioural want. They didn’t must be given an Motion Man or Barbie.

10: Loud noises to be banned

A killjoy EU directive that will set a most noise degree of 87 decibels would wreck the ambiance at pubs, golf equipment and soccer matches, and stop the taking part in of bagpipes. Oh, and bar workers must put on ear muffs to guard their listening to.

Fact-o-meter: three/5

The proposals had been designed to scale back publicity to and impose limits on the quantity of noise that staff must put up with of their office. They might not apply to individuals attending occasions or having a pint down the pub.

11: Balloons banned

Youngsters could be banned from blowing up balloons and utilizing different celebration toys by a brand new EU directive.

Fact-o-meter: three/5

There’s lots of EU toy security laws to guard younger kids. Balloons and different toys positioned within the mouth could be a choking hazard to small youngsters, who should be supervised. However there was no ‘ban’.

12: Politically incorrect phrases banned from bingo

Bingo callers had been to be banned from utilizing politically incorrect phrases equivalent to “88, two fats women” and “legs 11.”

Fact-o-meter: 1/5

The EU does produce type guides for inner use, however didn’t outlaw bingo callers from utilizing these explicit phrases.

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